Unconditional love through thick and thin, not speaking of finances, but about weight/size/dress size.
When I was single gal, I heard many things from married women. One thing I heard a lot was, make sure when you get married that you keep yourself attractive. Don't let yourself go. Always look your best, because if you don't, then you are setting your husband up to look elsewhere. These types of comments instilled fear in my heart. Why? Well, because I've had issues with weight since I was 8 yrs old. It's been literally a lifelong struggle, a thorn in my flesh, if you will.
I can recall how much I weighed at specific ages and seasons of my life. I've mostly been chubby, pleasantly plump, thick...whatever you'd like to call it, but there was always more, than less of me. There were about 2 seasons in my life where I was ever considered "slim" and I obviously remember them, because it was only twice and it didn't last for very long. One time was when I was in college....I stopped eating carbs and most dairy and in 3 months I lost 30 pounds. Yet, I was very emotionally unbalanced and still insecure.
Then there was the year before I met my husband. I arrived on Okinawa t 200 lbs..yes, I am admitting it.
I arrived on Okinawa August 2008..then sometime around October I started walking a lot for exercise and walking, simply because I didn't have a car, so my two legs and feet got me around. I started to eat much less than I had been, and over the course of 9 months I went from 200 down to 155 lbs.
Then I continued to lose weight and when I met my husband I was at 145..after we started courting up until we got married I lost some more weight and got down to my lowest weight as an adult 129 lbs. According to the BMI I was in the ideal range, but my family and friends weren't used to seeing me so thin..so even though they were proud of my weight loss..they were concerned that it was getting out of control.
Well, there is nothing like getting married and pregnant right away to solve that issue...when I got pregnant I went from 130-207 before I delivered Aidan and then down to 190 after his birth. I kinda parked around that weight for a while..got down to about 179 after a year..got pregnant again, went up to 186..had a miscarriage..up to 195 and for over a year have parked in the 190's...up and down fluctuating within a few pounds..So...with all the dramatic changes, knowing what I was told as a single and being a wife of 3 yrs...how does that bolster confidence? It doesn't...but this is what I've discovered..that despite my drastic weight loss and gain..that my husband truly loves me. He reminded me that what he first found attractive about me was how I worshiped God. Now, I'd love to believe that...but with all the stuff you hear about men being visual..I found it hard to believe. Yet, over the 3 years we've been married he's proved it over and over to me and he has even said that he finds me more attractive now then when we first met!?
There have been many times I've cried and have felt guilt and shame for gaining so much weight...for not maintaining myself for in the eyes of others "letting myself go"...but the truth is I can't live with that kind of pressure. I can't live in peace for that matter, dwelling on the thought that I may lose my husband to someone else because I am not thin and look like I did when we were first married, which was only 3 years ago.
This type of thinking wreaked havoc on our new marriage and caused a lot of undue pain and frustration on both of us. So, what do you do with that? How are you supposed to deal with the fact that when you marry someone they will go through changes and no matter what you love them through it? The answer is CHRIST!
Truly, He is the answer! Jesus is the only one who can keep two sinners together...it is work, it is commitment, it is forgiveness, it is fighting for one another and lifting each other up, it is loving the other despite their weakness, it's long-suffering, it's prayer and so many other things...but all of this pointing to "the glue that binds us" as my husband calls it, who is JESUS! Here are some scriptures that have been really helpful and encouraging in this battle,
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. *Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
"What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” *Mark 10:9
"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well" *Psalm 139:14
"4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things". *1 Cor. 13:4
"Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings..." * Psalm 17:8
"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding". * 2 Corinthians 10:12
There are many other good words of hope that the Lord has given me along this journey..but the one thing I've been realizing, over and over and over again in this is that the Lord's love is truly unconditional!The Lord loves me no matter what size I am and because He loves me like that, I can know that I am still valuable even I am a size 16 and wear XL...my husband loves me, validates me, compliments me and though he may not fully understand my complicated battle with this..the Lord uses him to love me through it. So, guess what? He still loves me, finds me attractive and though a man, tempted like any other to notice others, he makes every effort to honor me, because He loves the Lord. So, even though I should exercise and work on being healthy and could afford to lose some weight, which I've been slowly working on, I don't need to live in fear.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love".*1 John 4:18
The enemy will continue using this weakness against me and throw fiery darts at me by telling me many lies about my worth, my husband's loyalty and our pasts...but the TRUTH is...we have JESUS..and JESUS fights for us..He fights our battles and He overcomes..I can tell Him, I am more than a conqueror and Greater is He that is in me, than He that is in the World. I can tell him to take his lies elsewhere..because the truth is no matter what, I am the daughter of the King of Kings and His love for me is everlasting and because He dwells in my heart and in the heart of my husband, we have a threefold cord that will sustain us through thick and thin, and all the in between.
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| Arrived in Okinawa 2008 |
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| After I met my husband-December 2009 |
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| Pregnant- November 2010 |
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| June 2011 |
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| June 2012 |
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| Present March 2013 |
This is daily on my heart..and I venture to say that perhaps many wives have dealt or are dealing
with these concerns, doubts, fears...I pray that we will place our hearts in the hands of the God Who holds the Universe...there is nothing too great, nothing too difficult for Him. May He be our first love and grant us peace in the midst of our inner conflicts and daily struggles and lifelong battles. Know this..I say this to myself as well..Our Jesus will always love us, through THICK and THIN!! Be blessed, be encouraged and be strengthened today..Lift your head..your the apple of His eye. Lots of love to you.
Thanks for your openness and vulnerability, Johanna. I think all women struggle with these kind of thoughts to some degree. Last night as I was changing into my pajamas, I looked at my naked (pregnant) body and thought, "I don't mind the way I look." And then the question followed, "Why do you care so much, then!?" And I really had to ask myself that. Why, when I really just evaluate my body on my own terms, I'm content, do I always look in the mirror and feel discontent? Why do I look in the mirror so often and think, "Eww, that's gross." Or, "Wish that wasn't there."... etc.?? Why do I WORRY about my weight, how many pounds I've recently lost or (during pregnancy, gained). And it dawned on me that a big reason is because I associate my body size with being healthy or unhealthy and all I can hear are voices telling me, "You're going to become diabetic, your blood pressure is going to skyrocket, you're not going to be able to play with your kids," etc. Those are MY fears. And I realized, perhaps for the very first time, that those voices are not God's voice. It's not necessarily that I wouldn't benefit from losing weight, but that I shouldn't live in fear of what other's think of me or my health... But to remember that no matter what my weight or health is, God loves and accepts me, and sees me as beautiful, just the way I am. AND that ultimately my life is in His hands--including my weight and health and quality of life. I think that's the gist of what you're saying too. This morning as Clara and I were listening to Pandora the song 'Mirror' by Barlow Girls came on and I thought the timing was pretty great. Here are the lyrics:
ReplyDeleteMirror mirror on the wall, have I got it?
'Cause mirror you've always told me..
Who I am. I'm finding it's not easy
To be perfect
So sorry, you won't define me
Sorry, you don't own me
Who are you to tell me that I am less than what I should be?!
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah, yeah
I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do
I won't try. No no no, I won't try
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of he who made me
And to him I am beauty beyond compare
I know, he defines me. Yeah yeah...
:) Thank for sharing this post.
Khursten
Khursten,
DeleteThank you very much for your feedback and for relating. Yes, what you shared was the gist of what I was trying to say. So grateful that the Lord is Who defines our worth...sometimes it's easier to say, than to live out..but it's a process and God is so gracious and patient with us while we learn the way. God bless you, your family and your pregnancy! So grateful you took the time to read this post. Lots of love!